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That year I loved you
beyond your deepest dreams
sitting across the table from you
in room 19
gazing into your eyes
as you talked about school and Matt
and my head and yours
ours was never mentioned, unspoken, taboo
the early evenings spent
sitting in your car
after driving me home
my mother was always uptight
about those evenings
and the feelings constantly
sweeping through me
my arms wanting to hold you
my lips kissing yours
I couldn't bring myself to touch you
couldn't begin to explain my love
our abstract discussions
about homosexuality
there is nothing wrong with it. .
you'd always say
the lesbian who tried to sleep with you
and your disgust, your horror
you said you didn't know
what you would do now if it
happened again
did you want it to happen?
I wanted to be your lover-friend
I wanted to take you away from the
straight world
and your businessman husband
but it was all too new
I didn't understand what our love meant
The times that you reached for me
brushing past, touching by accident
your role slipping
caressing my hair
holding my hand
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brief moments of ecstasy
moments when I wanted to make love with you
Kathy, you wished all along
that I was a man
not thinking that you were capable
of loving women, one woman, me
then you broke it off
destroying the dreams, feelings, lives
that we had built
you used to call me love
but it was too heavy
flipping out you dragged me under
dropped me from a cliff
a year's silence was my punishment
a warning, we had gotten too close
your life had almost blown up
in your face
I still love, think of you
even though you're married and pretending
to dig it
I'm a lesbian
I didn't cop-out
your world nauseates me
but now you're out of reach
somewhere a thousand miles away
chained to a job, family
and I'm your other self
your hidden feelings
laughing and loving women.
Judy Greenspan